If you are like most people, the process of death and dying crosses your mind occasionally. This might be when you are grieving for a loved one or thinking about your own mortality.
As I write this, I’m on the second day of travel, leaving a remote part of Alaska. This isn’t important to the article, except it highlights the difficulty of navigating the care and transportation of a human body after death has occurred in outlying areas. This, and many other things, were brought to my attention by Leslie, who is a certified death doula.
What Is a Death Doula
Death doulas offer many services including emotional and spiritual help to the dying and their families. The assistance can also be logistical, connecting families to resources, and often, it is creating a safe space that allows difficult conversations to flow. This service can be started days, weeks or even months before the actual death occurs; and often continues after a family’s loved one has crossed over.
Death doulas help mitigate the stress in a situation known for intense feelings, emotions, and expectations all tangled up in memories and responsibilities.
What Does It Take to Be a Death Doula
Training and certification are available but not legally required. Perhaps the most important quality of a talented death doula is compassion and a willingness to come face to face with death and walk others through a doorway of the unknown.
Peaceful courage is also needed to stay steady and present with others during this time. When the Universe opens this transitional portal, it will look and feel different for each of us. It’s impossible to preplan words of comfort. Everyone let’s go of their earthly connection differently. Sometimes there are no words needed, only sitting with someone as they release the heaviest parts of their personal journey, allowing them to move on with peace.
The Story of How This Death Doula Came to Be
Leslie’s decision to become a death doula was unplanned, it came to be because of a dear friend’s death.
Years ago, Leslie committed to helping her friend prepare for medically assisted death in Canada. She witnessed her spirited friend lose almost everything to a very progressive chronic illness that guaranteed a shortened life. Julie, her best friend, lost her vibrant energy, muscle control, hair, teeth and identity as a musical performer. What wasn’t taken away from Julie, was her clarity, humor and somehow, her ability to belt out words from a song at the most unpredictable times.
Leslie arrived weeks before Julie took her last breath. She helped get the house in order and supported Julie’s husband as he prepared for the single greatest loss in his life. Mostly she offered a type of courage and love that came from somewhere deep inside her.
Two physicians, Julie’s husband and Leslie helped Julie plan and experience her death with love and courage.
Something spiritual and possibly karmic opened up and Leslie felt things like never before. The experience eventually brought her to a place of deep healing, but first she had to navigate her own fears, emotions and grief.
Life Changing Perspectives
Leslie has discovered that death can be a beautiful release of patterns and beliefs that allow one to merge into a new consciousness. She fully believes in life after death and often feels the presence of her friend Julie. In fact, she believes her friend helped orchestrate her decision to become a death doula from the other side.
Leslie was preparing to speak at her friend’s memorial service when she turned on the radio and the song, So Hard (a song for grieving) came on. This was followed by Glennon Doyle’s pod cast- We Can Do Hard Things. Glennon was interviewing Alua Arthur, who is a well-known death doula that teaches classes. The conversation was about death, the value of death doulas and how to become one. As she listened to the interview, she felt a calling to discover more about the death experience and get trained as a death doula. This decision helped Leslie process grief and completely changed her life.
Another piece of this story was when Leslie found in Julie’s handwriting the phrase, -We Can Do Hard Things.
Leslie helps bridge the gap between the living and dying. Often the dying want to talk about how they are feeling, any fears they have and even memories they would like to share.
She wants families to know that they can spend time with the body after death. This might be lovingly caring for the body, while music is being played, poetry read, or whatever the family believes is the perfect send off for their loved one.
Noticing The Magic
I texted Leslie a couple questions from my ferry ride. She had been outside enjoying the sun and beautiful Alaska views, while thinking of her friend. Two ravens landed right next to where she was sitting. She thought immediately of the two large black birds that are the main focus on the cover of Julie’s featured music.
Leslie has also noticed that before people cross over, they are often reaching out to the other side. This might be when the person going through transition spends time resting or sleeping and dreaming about their loved ones that have died. She also has seen the dying talking with and even stretching out their arms to connect with dead loved ones.
One of the gifts that has come out of working as a death doula is the ability to notice the magic in life and not get caught up in the dramas that ultimately mean nothing as you release your last breath.
Final Message
Death is a basic human experience that we will all go through. Having the ability to choose how your life will be celebrated and your body cared for can shift the energy of how death is viewed. There are many ways to explore death and dying, but the value of bringing this subject out of the dark is immeasurable. Talking about the process can decrease stress and even bring closure to a monumental experience.
Thank you for reading this article. I hope it not only shares a resource available to you and your family; but also reminds you of the magic in this life, the connections we make, and how they both continue on after death.
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